I’m looking at my jeans. The longing and frustration contained within. These sky blue jeans that time has wasted. Will time leave me with the same washed out look?
The ashtray is full. I’m smoking too much these days, not clearing away the butts. I need to pour some water on the plant. The television screen needs dusting. I’m gonna sort my cd collection, put them in chronological order maybe. That shirt on the chair… I should iron it. I want to phone her- Listen to her voice, talk to her… But I don’t want to be heavy, nor desperate. You can’t receive love when you really want; or from whom.
I busy myself with mundane chores around the house. Any little drudgery to keep me occupied, anything to arrest my thoughts. But I’m fooling myself. Elisa has an open pass. She comes and goes as she pleases.
Now, I scrutinise myself in the mirror. I don’t look so bad. Why can’t she be mine? I am facing this impotent self. Elisa, Elisa… Your name is crowding my thoughts. I close my eyes and you are smiling at me. Your lips teasing my senses, irresistible. Lips I desperately want to kiss.
The ashtray is getting full, again. I really don’t like smoking, I don’t think. Why am I doing it? I need to give some water to that green lady. Television is for nothing…
I have decided to venture outside. A good brisk walk is sure to do me the world of good.
The grass is fresh. Sitting here, I feel the sun on my face, warming my soul. For an instant I almost forget her. This is just crazy!
I start walking again when an old school friend waves to me. I wave back as if I didn’t have a care. ‘Funny’, I thought, ‘how one can put on a front when one has to.’ If Kennet, that was his name, had stopped for a chat I’m sure he would never have guessed my fantasy. Love doesn’t show up like a rash, you can be suffering from it but no one knows. It can’t even be diagnosed. Maybe Kenneth himself has the bug.
‘We don’t choose to fall in love’, I tell her. ‘Bring a little happiness to this poor bastard!’, I beg her. She is not listening. ‘Can you listen to my heart?’ I want to scream at her. At this point this feeling is madness.
My desperate heart is shouting. This ungratified passion is bleeding.
What a silly thing to love what I really don’t know, what I have never had!
My own pride and manhood cause this anxiety.
And yet… walking.
I feel like I’m losing my streets, my home, my identity. My feet just want to go to her. Love blinds us to everything. Confuses everything.
Your presence is throttling me. I’m breathing air of you.
I want to walk and walk… Is there anything else I can do?
Blue and inscrutable. You have seen me born. You have taken me here. So far.
I’m lost. Would you guide me? Please, tell me you will. Surely it is possible that you will not deny me?
Don’t say a word, stay silent.
And I’ll be here, there, somewhere, someplace… for you. Just for you.
Walking, still walking. My hands in my pockets, waiting for yours.
Dreaming as a madman on endless days, full of nothing but you.
Time slips out of my fingers. It’s leaving, without caresses.
I love you blue.
Paths. Sometimes up. Sometimes down.
How could I make you mine?
Give me the strength to… walk.
Your mark is here. A hidden dream.
Was it better yesterday?
More than yesterday, less than tomorrow.